Easter Sunday

Easter Sunday.  A happy day, spent with family.  Though I'm not "religious", I do know that for those who are, this day marks new life, a resurrection.  Last year, Easter Sunday (April 16th) was a day I dreamed about for 9 months.  It was certainly symbolic of new life.  Whenever someone new saw my pregnant belly they would undoubtably ask "When are you due?" With a smile on my face, anticipation in my voice, I would always respond "Easter Sunday".

That new life came about a week and a half before Easter Sunday, 2017, in the form of a baby boy with the most beautiful blonde hair.  For 6 days, listening to him breathe, watching him close, being his mom- it was my new life.  Though his life didn't become the one I envisioned; hockey skates on his feet, smiles on his face as he chased his big sister around in the backyard, he left a bigger impact than most could ever dream of leaving.  He wasn't there on Easter Sunday in the way I predicted, but his life resurrected my own.

Cooper has given me a new life.  He didn't get to live his life very long, but I live a new and better life for him and because of him everyday.

Cooper taught me that no matter what you think your life will be, there might be a bigger plan.  In an instant, a plan you had can change drastically.  Life will change.  Things might seem to go "wrong", but they are only wrong if you have expectations.  Things going "wrong", might actually be things going "right", you just don't always have the perspective to see it that way in the moment.  He taught me to stop planning for the future and be happy in the present.  We need to stop putting expectations on life to be a certain way.  Expectations lead to disappointment.  I expected that Easter 2017 would be spent with my new family of 4, I was so wrong. If I had put expectations on this year, they likely would have been wrong too.  I have no idea what Easter 2019 will hold, I can have hopes, but I certainly don't expect anything.  Even when things don't go as you may have thought they should, it's part of a bigger plan.  Stay the course, trust the course.  Be happy in each present moment without looking too far ahead.  Cherish what you have today, tomorrow will always be unknown.

Cooper taught me that I'm stronger than I ever thought before.  When my Grandma died a few years before Cooper arrived, I was too scared to be with her when she died.  When my mom was going in for a surgery once, even though it was minor, I refused to go see her at the hospital.  I thought painful emotion was something to run away from.  As if avoiding facing it head on somehow meant I would avoid feeling anything altogether.  I know I can handle the pain now.  I know holidays will be hard, but I don't run away from doing hard things.  Baby showers will be hard, celebrating Cooper's birthday will be hard, Easter will always be hard.  I will embrace the emotion, identify why I'm feeling it, express it in a way that feels right- but then celebrate with a bigger smile knowing I feel these things because I loved my son and it's okay to feel.  I'm strong enough to feel, and still be okay.  I will be there for every hard thing in the future, I'll never run away again.

Cooper taught me about why people come in and out of my life.  Some people are in our lives for a long time, others only for moments.  Some people come into your life to be heroes, to help you in certain stages of your life, to teach you that you are loved and supported, and to be part of your army.  Others come into your life to be villains.  They too, teach you important, yet difficult lessons.  If we didn't have villains and hardships, we wouldn't learn nearly as much, and the heroes wouldn't be nearly as powerful, inspiring or prevalent.  For those in my army, who have been close to me, teaching me and guiding me through 2017, the year of more hardship than I could have imagined, I know why you were there.

Corey- I needed to meet you. You came into my life seemingly by chance.  However, I'm not so sure anymore that we get given people as important as you, simply by chance.  You were a friend I never could have lived this past year without.  I needed a friend who knew what it was like to lose a child.  I needed a friend who lived around the corner who I could call on when I needed a couch, a listening ear, or just somewhere to go.  I was supposed to be on maternity leave, I never imagined I would need to find a daycare for my daughter so last minute.  You introduced me to yours, and she (Beth) became a security, a place of safety and love for my daughter.  She was a constant, when everything else was so inconsistent.  There is no chance you or she were by chance.  You were part of the plan, the plan that I never saw coming.

Beth- I was terrified to give Kinley up to anyone else's care. Sending a child to daycare for the first time is tough on the most secure of moms.  To have to do that just months after losing a child was difficult to say the least.  Meeting you, after visiting many other facilities, I knew instantly that this was who I was meant to entrust with the care of my daughter.  You put me at such ease.  I never worried in all the mornings I had to bring Kinley to you.  You loved her as one of your own, and provided the home-like environment I knew Kinley would be most comfortable in.  The other kids became Kinley's friends, and your home became a part of Kinley's life that I knew I could rely on.  When days were hard, I'd turn on your webcam, or get a video or picture from you and see my girl's smiling face and know that things were still somehow okay.  I needed you, Kinley needed you, and I have nothing but respect and appreciation for you.

There are so many others- I truly have an army.  Some are people who I've had and needed since the day I was born, others who I have only met recently.  I leaned on you all, at all different times, for all different reasons.  You are my heroes in this life of hardship and villains. You make me smile, you make me feel supported, and you are the people I know I met for very special reasons.  I will always be here for each one of you, in any way you need me.

There are two people with highest rank in my army.  I'm not sure who has highest rank in a real army- is it a General? A lieutenant? I'm not up on that knowledge, I'll have to Google it.  What I do know is that there are two people leading my army and that is Kinley and Cooper's Grammy and Papa.  My mom and dad.  They take heroes to a whole new definition.  They have opened their home and their hearts to me during this broken year and made me feel so whole, so loved, and so supported.  Life can be a battle at times, but with an army of heroes as big as mine, I can overcome anything.  The love I have for my parents is beyond measure, they are truly the two single best people I know.  The combination of their opposing strengths has proven to be everything I could have needed.  I am so blessed to call them my parents and my heroes, you two will always have rank. 

There are others who are no longer in my life, who I met for other reasons.  They too, were important people who taught me important lessons.  Villains are necessary.  Every story must have them, it is how we choose to respond to them, that gives the story a happy ending.  I'm still waiting on my happy ending, but I know it will come.

Easter Sunday 2018. I woke up alone and that's okay.  I had no expectations of anything different this year.  Cooper isn't here, Kinley isn't here, my ex husband isn't here.  Yet, it's still a happy day.  Cooper is here in spirit, Kinley is with her dad and extended family and will be home tomorrow, and the rest of my army is a phone call or text away.  I'm at peace reflecting and trusting that I am exactly where I was meant to be today.  Today is still a day symbolic of new life.  Every day I'm building my new life, putting the pieces back together, trusting the course.  There are new people in my life now.  Good, amazing people, who I may have otherwise never met.  People who have brought happiness I never would have experienced.  I've learned lessons and felt strength I never had before.  Cooper is with me in spirit every single day, reminding me to keep putting my best foot forward.  From Easter 2017 to Easter 2018, I experienced more loss and more turmoil than I ever could have imagined, but I'm a better and happier person than I was before any of it.

Thank you army, thank you Cooper, and thank you new life.  Let's stay the course, because it's bound to be something I never could have planned.  I'm ready, and surprisingly... I'm actually very happy.

Happy Easter everyone.