For those of you who have been following these posts the last 4 years, you know it’s been a journey; a process of loss, grief, new beginnings, love and new life. This will be my last post in this 4 part story before it ultimately becomes a book I will write one day.
I had no idea when I started these posts that this would end this way. I never expected it would even become a complete story, let alone a story with the happiest ending I could ever have imagined.
So where did it leave off? Last year at this time, I was living with my boyfriend Andy and his two amazing children Natalie and Michael. We were slowly transitioning Kinley into living with us on her time with me as well, spending more and more time with them knowing it felt more right than anything ever had in my life before. We all celebrated Cooper’s birthday together, and I felt at peace, as if things were starting to make sense.
When we experience great hardship or loss, it not only teaches us many great lessons and builds our personal strength, it also sets our lives in a new direction, sometimes a direction we never would have otherwise been able to see or get to. Andy and I connected in such deep ways. Ways I never would have been able to connect to anyone if it weren’t for the loss of Cooper. Andy and I bonded through loss. I mentioned in last year’s post that Andy lost his first wife, and mother of his children, Danielle in 2011. He is the strongest, most loving, patient, open, supportive, devoted, emotionally available, and kind father and man I’ve ever known, and he was able to see me at my weakest, most vulnerable time and not run away. He saw the strength, not the fear. He saw the good and the potential of what could be, rather than the complexities and pain of what was current. We fell in love for many reasons, but one of those was that we understand hardship, and we know how to be grateful in the face of difficult times and put our trust and faith in a bigger picture focused on love and goodness.
Through falling in love with Andy, I began to understand more about Cooper and his plan.
I had always wanted a son, and even after Cooper passed away, I felt my time having a son was somehow not over. I longed to have one in my arms again one day. When my marriage came crumbling apart, so too did the vision I had for a perfect family with a daughter and a son. I hoped that whoever I may meet, if I were lucky enough, would want to have another child.
When I first met Andy, knowing his children were 10 and 12 and he was 10 years older than me, I reluctantly asked what I assumed may be the “deal breaker” question. “Could you ever see yourself having another child?” His response, though not as closed off as it very well could have been, did not surprise me. He said he could never say 100% no, because he knows life often has other plans and we can’t be completely closed off to anything, but he was 90% sure he was done having kids. I said that I felt the exact same way, except opposite, meaning never closed off, but 90% sure I wasn’t done.
We didn’t talk much on the topic after that conversation, and agreed to just “see what happens”. I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but sometime in 2018 after deciding I had fallen in love with Andy, I told him my 90% had dissipated and it had become more important to me to be with him. I had also at that point fallen in love with his children and was left feeling that I could be more than satisfied with our blended family- a beautiful family of 5. We left it at that, I was giving up the dream, knowing I was in turn still signing up for a dream with Andy and his two children. It was never discussed at length again, though I think he did somehow know I’d never give up hope.
In March of 2019, Andy sent me a text saying he needed to tell me something. Worry set in as the bubbles appeared indicating he was typing. Finally, I read the message I never saw coming. He had changed his mind, he had decided he did want to have another baby. I had no idea he had even been thinking of it, let alone changed his mind. He explained he needed to be sure of the decision before telling me so not to get my hopes up. I was ecstatic. Shortly after in June, we were engaged, and began the attempt for this last baby we now both wanted. I tried not to put too many expectations or hopes about timing or gender, but it was hard not to hope for it to happen quick, and to have a slight preference toward wanting another son. About 6 weeks later, it was confirmed- we were pregnant, and about 3 months after that, confirmed it was a boy!
This time around, I didn’t announce anything on social media as I had done with Cooper. My closest friends, family, colleagues knew but I didn’t do a gender reveal, shower of any sort, or announcement. I didn’t want to jinx anything or expose myself to potential pain knowing that just because you are pregnant, does not guarantee the story will play out the way you envision.
9 months. It’s a long time. A long time to wait and hope and worry, and though most of the pregnancy was entirely happy, I’d be lying if I said there weren’t days mixed in with panic. Those days got more frequent, especially towards the end as I neared the stage in pregnancy when I found out things weren’t right with Coop. Andy was there for me, my doctor and principal were supportive, and I spent the last 8 weeks of the pregnancy fully focused on this baby and keeping my mind set on the happy outcome I didn’t get to experience 3 years ago.
Today that experience happened. I walked through my front door and handed little Pearson to his siblings and showed him his bedroom, his dogs, and the home of love we have created where he will get to grow up. I didn’t get that with Cooper, but I got that today because of Cooper. As I sat today in the bedroom I planned for Pearson, holding him and rocking him in his chair, I thought back, just momentarily to Cooper, and the bedroom he never got to see and the chair I never got to rock him in. I was with my family, so I held back the tears, but I am letting them out now. I let them out for Cooper, but I know he’s in my heart, and through Pearson, Cooper’s legacy, his story, gets the happy ending he so deserved.
Pearson Cooper Daniel Schmalz was born via a very scary emergency surgery on Thursday, March 12th at 10:34pm. It was a whirlwind, he came fast, but in the way that turned out to be safest for us both so in the end, that's all that really matters.
Pearson holds two special middle names, Cooper and Daniel, Daniel after Danielle- Natalie and Michael’s treasured mommy. The name Pearson comes from the show "This is Us", a show that Andy and the kids and I have come to love watching together each week and which always seems to connect to our lives in various ways. His middle names are after the two angels who brought this family together and had a plan bigger than Andy or I ever could have known. The two angels who make our family of 6, actually a family of 8. Pearson's life and story is already so special. This story may be over, but Pearson’s story is only beginning. His life is going to continue to be special, and I’m so thrilled and honoured that I get to be his mom.
I am filled today with so much love and feel nothing but blessed for absolutely everything I have experienced, which has all lead me to this happy ending, and Pearson’s amazing beginning.
Cooper's birthday will come in a few short weeks and I won't feel the need to post this year. We will still do something special to honour him, but this year, rather than write, I will hold Pearson. I will look into his eyes and know just why Cooper came into my life, and that's all I need now. I have my happy ending, and I'll never take any of it for granted.
Thanks for reading and following my journey.
I love you, Cooper. Now and forever, and I love my incredible family of 8.
Xo
